Some men suffer from a delay in reaching orgasm and cannot ejaculate with their penis in a vagina. Some can be masturbated or fellated to orgasm by the woman if they withdraw, whereas others cannot be brought to orgasm by a woman at all, by any means, and may not be able to ejaculate if a woman is even in the same room. Some men who are successfully treated for premature ejaculation then suffer from retarded orgasm and vice versa. The majority of the partners of such men are distressed by it. Some women conclude that they have over-stretched their vagina during masturbation or childbirth and that this is the explanation.
However, the problem sometimes presents itself directly in the form of complaints that the vagina is too large or too wet or that the penis, or some portion of it, has lost its sensation. Some men in this group are discovered to compress their penises tightly during masturbation. They have simply mis-trained themselves and now cannot respond without tight penile pressure. Others complain of intense penile pain, which they naturally want to avoid, at orgasm. In all such cases intercourse or pleasure is being avoided in order to reduce anxiety.
Diabetes and various drugs can be the cause in men who complain of a lack of sensation, but more often their ultimate unconscious need is to deny that they are having intercourse. It is only by doing this that they can function at all. Some, who unconsciously equate genital fluids with excretion, want to avoid soiling the woman and others unconsciously equate the woman with their mother. Their response is not to stop sex with her but not to ejaculate inside her. Others who, it is easily imagined, were rebuked and punished by women — sometimes even by older sisters — for genital activity in childhood, are simply afraid to lose control and reach orgasm in the presence of a woman.
Relatively inexperienced men who have this problem say that at some point during intercourse the whole business loses its excitement and that distracting thoughts enter their minds. The explanation is that as their level of pleasure and therefore, to them, sinfulness, rises, so does their anxiety, so reducing the pleasure. Some maintain their erection and others simply lose it. Although most, but not all, men enjoy intercourse more if the woman also moves her pelvis, this activity or what she says can be the distraction which intrudes into the man’s mind. It increases his self-awareness and thereby his anxiety about what he is doing.
Various fears can cause the same problem, although they may only be vehicles for yet deeper fears. These include a fear of making the woman pregnant, a fear of VD or AIDS and fears about other men with whom the woman has had intercourse. Thinking about other men makes him jealous or makes him worry that her previous lovers were better endowed sexually than he or were better lovers.
Treating the underlying cause, together with re-education, a decrease in anxiety, a reduced emphasis on orgasm, and an increase in penile pleasures and eroticism, all with the involvement of the woman, with the aim of increasing the efficiency with which the man responds to her manual or oral stimulation, forms the first stage of treatment. Once the woman can reliably bring the man to orgasm she, without saying anything, can on occasions, when he is near orgasm, quickly get on top of him and thrust rapidly so as to make him ejaculate in her vagina. Usually his perceptions change and his anxiety falls.
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This is extremely pleasant for both partners and many women who cannot have an orgasm in any other way often do so with their partner caressing their clitoris with his tongue. There is absolutely nothing revolting or dirty about kissing a woman’s genitals. Either lie between her open legs with your head coming from below or crouch over her with your penis on her upper chest or face and kiss her vulva like this. It helps to have a pillow under her bottom to raise the whole area slightly and to prevent you from breaking your neck! Lick the whole of the vulval area with your lips and tongue and dip your tongue into the vagina and stroke it upwards towards her clitoris. Caress the clitoris with your tongue as if you were using a finger and keep doing what she likes until she climaxes. Most women who have orgasms in other ways, and many who otherwise would not have had one, have extremely good orgasms from such oral caresses. There are lots of other positions (such as sitting on a chair or kneeling on all fours) in which you can kiss your partner’s vulva, so experiment and find what you both most enjoy.
In spite of this a word of caution is necessary since oral sex is a common area of conflict. Some women regard their vulvas as smelly, germ-ridden and revolting, and do not like their man to use his mouth there. Even if they do go ahead, a sign that this is so is that they dislike him kissing them on the mouth afterwards. Some men have a similar view. Some women feel the same about sucking the penis, especially if she suspects the man of wanting to ejaculate in her mouth.
Oral sex with a casual partner about whom there is uncertainty is potentially dangerous because, contrary to earlier opinions, it is now thought AIDS can be transmitted this way. There is an increased chance of AIDS being transmitted in this way from an HIV-positive man if the woman has recently cleaned her teeth because there will be tiny abrasions on the gums through which the virus can enter her bloodstream.
Apart from this the only danger in cunnilingus arises from blowing air into the vagina. Several women have died as a result due to the air reaching the bloodstream.
Cunnilingus: Not all men enjoy doing this to a woman and not all women enjoy having it done, yet it is an increasingly popular type of foreplay. Some women can have an orgasm with a man only in this way.
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A woman’s sex organs are rather more of a mystery than a man’s because many of the important parts lie inside the body and so cannot be seen, and even those that are outside are not easy to look at. As a result some women have some very strange notions about their sex organs. In addition to these problems a woman’s vagina lies only a matter of centimetres away from her anus (back passage) and so may become mixed up in her mind with dirt and stools. Also, of course, girls in our society are brought up to be more ashamed of their genitals and this is another reason why many claim never to have looked at their vulvas even though they very much wanted to. A woman who has irrational fears and suspicions about how she is made will not function well sexually and her partner will not be allowed or encouraged to enjoy her body as he should.
Breasts and sex-During the earliest phase of sexual arousal the first visible sign that anything is happening is that the nipples become erect. This comes about as the tiny smooth muscles in them contract. One nipple often erects before the other and erection can occur without physical stimulation. Stimulation either by the woman herself or by her partner usually hastens erection but is not essential. The nipples increase in length and diameter as the woman becomes more excited and blood collects in and around them. This mechanism is rather like that which causes the penis to become erect. As the woman becomes more aroused the whole breast swells and she may have a measles-like rash on them and over her chest and neck.
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This lasts from about the age of fifty until the death of one of the partners. It is usually a phase of togetherness and increasing satisfaction. The couple have no fear of pregnancy and their sex lives often improve. Unfortunately, some older couples still feel that sex is for the young and so do not enjoy sex nearly as much or as often as they could. Thankfully things are changing in the right direction as far as this is concerned. It is worth taking care not to lose the habit of intercourse if one partner has to go into hospital or is ill for a long period. It is also interesting to see that evidence suggests that an active sex life is linked to a long life. People of this age often have grandchildren who bring pleasure with few responsibilities (a rare combination in life) and no longer have to worry about being competitive at work. The man will have got as far as he is going to and is either settled in his career or is running up to or already in retirement.
In the good man-woman relationship this attachment grows, particularly at times of stress when the couple think about each other, want to be with each other, communicate distress to each other, and are comforted by one another. The bond that forms between long-married couples can be formidable. They tend to think along the same lines and seem to be ‘one body’ as described in the Bible.
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Since the male-menopause has become a recognizable and diagnosable crisis condition many inaccurate theories and judgements have been circulated under the guise of being fact, each sounding like professional judgement from the pages of a medical textbook. This may not matter with simple ailments where a little embroidery improves the seriousness of tone and the quality of sympathy, but with the male-menopause all the myths do is increase misunderstandings and make less sense of what is potentially a serious matter.
Most popular myths centre on a man’s sex life — or, more precisely, the apparent lack of it.
This may sound chauvinistic but many of the myths are probably put about by women. Not, one suspects, however, because of feminist need to establish equality but because to many women the term male-menopause conjures up visions of impotence and leads them to hope and expect men to have a similar sort of climacteric to theirs. After all if a woman has one why not a man too?
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